MY BRAIN IS MADE OF THINGS MADE OF GOLD

He Gu: Larry King Would Hit That

Oh CNN.com, unimpeded along your path to cultural semi-relevance by grammar or proper sentence construction.

Christina Aguilera talking about her new baby or Christina Aguilera talking about her new baby with Larry King...either way, what the world needs more of now is not Christina Aguilera talking. F'reals, Britney's down for the count, it's time to finish what you started and then go have Mick Jagger's kid.

And yes, if the above wasn't totally clear, I do consider Christina Aguilera to be a kind of Highlander figure.

He Gu: American Apparel Test Drives = Win

Seriously, I'm starting to think that even American Apparel's standard t-shirts are cut to make you look like a snowman.  F'reals, who the fuck looks good in a green and pink terry-cloth anything?!

Possibly NSFW with volume on.  If you can't watch, check out the screencap below and bookmark that shit for later.

That outfit/facial expression combo is priceless!

He Gu: People's Google Gadget is the new CNN QuickLaugh

Seriously, those are some unfortunate abbreviations running next to those pictures:

Wow, I would have expected that kind of talk from Britney Spears, but Eva H?  Mind blowned!

He Gu: PEOPLE!!!

I'm not sure when or even why I added that insidious People.com feed to my iGoogle homepage but, for good or for ill, it's there. And, without fail, it spends its time in the upper-right corner of my "News" tab spitting out, stock-ticker-like, news of the latest celebrity mishap or genital-flashing and, without fail, I catch myself glancing at the tantalizing headlines and imagining what nonsense lurks behind that click.  But more than the absurdly dramatic teaser headlines about Britney's latest gunfight with the night-shift at McDonald's, it's the way the feed morphs the accompanying celebrity headshots as the stories change, that keeps me entertained.  For instance, here's a full capture of the current crop of stories (as of 9:15 a.m.):

Alright, so it's obviously the simpler things that delight me, but still, look at just those face transitions, sped up, and imagine yourself in those final twenty minutes-or-so of 2001: A Space Odyssey.  Seriously people, this is what you see when you pass through the star-gate and arrive at the edge of time and space.

 

duhhhhhmmm-Duhhhhmmmm-DUHHHHmmmm-dumn-DUMN!!!

He Gu: Define "Crazy"

From the MSNBC photoblog, which I actually really enjoy.

Mish offered no comment on whether or not she thought it was "a little crazy" to start an unending war, based on lies and perpetuated by manipulated intelligence and a constant recasting of the mission, that demands men and women leave their parents, spouses, families and children* at home while they head off to a desert to die** on a lie.

* Sometimes as many as four children!
** Sometimes more than four in a single day!

He Gu: WHY GOD WHY?!

Good to see CNN hyping the true existential questions of our age:

My guess: she's got crocodile teeth!

He Gu: Cute Is A Talent

If this world was fair, this cat would be rich and Britney Spears would be shitting in a plastic box in the corner of the bathroom. 

Wait.

He Gu.

Meanwhile, until that great moment when the scales of fairness are set right, if I were Wilford Brimley, I'd be re-reading my endorsement contracts for a "cute cat" firing clause.

He Gu: Oh Baby Baby...

As ashamed as I might be for reading a bit of Perez Hilton, it was all made better by the sight of Britney Spears' youngest crash-test dummy:

(Kevin Sorbo look-a-like in green; Kevin Sorbo, right)

Take that kid's "looks" and his predestined "born-to-an-unstable-singer-in-the-middle-of-a-breakdown" career path and I think we've got ourselves a Hercules prequel to look forward to in about 15 years.

Silver lining people, silver lining.

He Gu: Quoting People - They Tried To Make Me Go To _____

New, derivative features compensate for lack of new content, right?

Well, whaterrr.  Take 'em or leave 'em:

Matt Leinart: I've Gone to __________ to See Son.

JK Rowling __________ to Finish Harry Potter Series.

Lawyer: Lindsay '__________,' Is Getting __________.

The more I read these blank, the more I care about all of these people.

He Gu: Quoting People

Sheesh, someone at People.com decided today would be a good day to try subversive "irony" with straight-reporting; all you have to do is guess which is which:

Even better, drop out the yellow-blocked words and you've got yourself a ready-made fill-in-the-blanks:

VIDEO: Ben Affleck Stars in _________ Environmental Ad.

Eva Mendes Says She's _________ for _________.

Kelly Clarkson Speaks Out on Clive Davis _________.

Shanna Moakler: New Split from Travis _________.

The real challenge for these blanks is trying to match the paradoxical blend of insipid and cloying reporting that People.com is known for.

 

He Gu: Pervasive, Invasive

Most people who have been around me in person know that I'm a person prone to filling lulls in conversation (sometimes even conversation itself) with random, non-contextual outbursts, sometimes in song-format. Some of these songs are songs I've written in my head and others are just pop-culture foster kids, taking up temporary residence in my brain until they grow too unmanageable or dangerous and are returned to the state for care. It's how I do.

Most recently, I treated Jennifer to an impromptu "unplugged" bar-room  performance of the jingle from Popeye's "What's Your Flavor" commercial. I know, I'm lucky to still have a bed-partner. But seriously, that commercial is on all the time or, if it's not, I always seem to hit it flipping around the dial.  Shorter version: It's a frame-up.

Anyway, I was searching for it so I could post it and I'll be damned if I didn't pick it out sooner, that shit's a Craig David song.

Busted.

So busted. And so music from a hazy half-year abroad comes back to haunt me. He gu!

He Gu: Too X To Y

So, the CNN (as I've taken to calling it) tells me that Paris Hilton is too "traumatized" to appear in court. 

That got me wondering what else Paris Hilton might be too X to Y.  A brief list follows:

• too stupid to breath without constant verbal and written cues.
• too uniformed to be make sensible commentary; sadly, not too uniformed to unelectable as President.
• too burdened by hereditary ignorance to understand the structure of reality, including but not limited to the concept of actions and consequences.
• too vaginally-exposed to ever be considered anything more than a walking Penthouse centerfold C-list bail-out with a standing prescription for anti-herpes meds.
• too not-related-to-this-fucking-disaster-of-a-war-in-Iraq to be taking up CNN's attention.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

Bonus quote: "At this point in time," [her therapist, Dr. Charles Sophy] continued, "Ms. Hilton cannot effectively respond to examination as a witness or provide any significant input into her defense."

At this point in time? "This"?! Where has he been for the last decade?

He Gu: Doin' Time

So, America's public sex-garage, Paris Hilton, who made her name by letting Rick Solomon do time in her sweaty hole is 'bout to serve time in a smaller and significantly less disease-stricken, sweaty hole of her own: jail.

45 days! How will her empire of useless crap ever survive without its fearless (read: brainless) leader? Oh, right:

Hilton's plethora of professional pursuits -- which include a namesake perfume and handbag line, a fledgling music career and a starring role in the reality show "The Simple Life" -- can probably survive 45 days without her.

Damn, that's cold!  Sounds like the AP is saying demand isn't all that high for "[A] girl who has total disregard for the rules of our society...and [has] been rewarded for it."

On second though, maybe that's not so cold after all, it might just be simple a supply and demand calculation.  I mean f'reals, if there's one thing we've got a surplus of right now, it's funny-faced morons with a "total disregard for the rules of our society."

Exhibit A:

Exhibits B-Z:

The Bush Administration

He Gu!

He Gu: Lean Back

Spotted at Target:

Okay, seriously, what the hell's going on here? Does Matthew McConaughey have a balance problem that we don't know about?

He Gu: America's Rest Stop Models

It's that time of year (okay, more like half-year) again, blind picks for America's Next Top Sod Hill, cycle eight:

After peeking at the individual shots (which is horribly awkward thanks to overused Flash design elements) all I can say is that eyebrow sculpting is going to be an important skill to master this season—Samantha and Renee, I'm looking at you.

My pick: the box-jawed, big-lipped, wind-blown Natasha.

So, who you got?

He Gu: Sound And Fury Signify A Low IQ

Oh People.com, when will you learn?

Trying to discern a deeper meaning or tease out a subtle message from anything Britney says/does/wears/exposes while exiting a vehicle is like trying to understand the mind of that other great, mental-giant of our era: Gee Dubs.  Seriously people, Bush wears that flag pin on his lapel because he thinks the shiny, "wavy box" looks "neat;" Britney wears the Star of David because the six points reminder her that she likes the number six extra value meal the best.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar and a moron is just our president...sad, but true.

He Gu: Beware Of Filmmagic!

Behold, the terrible visage of our dark master!!!  No, not Rosie O'Donnell or Donald Trump; Jessica Simpson.

Maybe I've spent entirely too much time this past week trying to work through/sleep off a cold, but I have to ask: what the fuck happened to Jessica Simpson's face?

I keep staring at it like it's one of those Magic Eye 3-D posters even though I'm sure I don't want to see anything "pop-out" of that photo.

He Gu: Wishing For The Unreal

I have to say, my favorite thing to come from all this Britney Spears lady-parts-flashing saga is the queens of internets gossip wishing in pastel-type-over-photo-collage for the return of the good-looking, innocent Britney they have been eulogizing for lo these past two years.

They might as well be wishing for the return of dragons and unicorns.  Honestly, anything remotely attractive or applause-worthy about that girl was the creation of Photoshop and post-production wizardry respectively.  Rather than hoping against fate for Miss Spears to get the common sense to re-drape her vulva, they should just learn to revel in the spectacular collapse of a one-tine modern-marvel-of-engineering trying to function in the real world without the benefit of actually having been tested in real world conditions.

She's our-generation's Tacoma Narrows Bridge.  Or maybe she's our generation's, far-less-dangerous President Bush. 

Either way, mission accomplished.

CNN QuickLaugh: Too Young? Maybe. Too Stupid? Fo Sho.

Wait, wait, wait...there's an even more inane and trivial CNN QuickVote?!  Ho-lee. Shit.

Remind me again why all those Southern breeder hicks (of whom Mrs. Spears is certainly one) are so terrified of the gay marriage?  I mean seriously, Britney Spears has had twice as many child-endangerment charges made against her than she has had wedding anniversaries.

But yeah, gay marriage, that's some dangerous stuff there.

It's sad to say, but I actually hope K-fed wins custody of those kids.  I'm just saying, when lil' Sean P and JJ knock over their first liquor store at age 15 and 14 respectively, being able to say they were raised poor and stupid by their deadbeat dad will play better in the courtroom than saying they were raised rich and stupid by their dumb-as-a-rock, dressed-like-a-blind-hobo mother.

Either way, it should be fun to watch as the Federline-Spears marriage explodes in a white-trash supernova, spinning off a whole galaxy of shitty comeback-singles, confessional TV news-magazine interviews, budget-rate product endorsements, and the inevitable, last-chance soft-core porn cash-ins. 

Think of it as the Republican Congress meets The Beverly Hillbillies.

He Gu: Speak Softly And Carry Three Big Sticks

Look out three-armed Jessica Alba, there's a new three-armed "it" girl on the block, Jessica Biel:

You can judge for yourself whether it's just an innocent coincidence or another example of John Bolton's  passive-aggressive diplomatic-threatening that these Jessica Biel photos hit the internets just as North Korea was gearing up to test a nuclear device.  I mean comeon, everyone knows that three-armed Jessica Alba doesn't work on international security issues, she's always been more of a domestic policy wonk.

SEARCHING FOR A THREE-ARMED JESSICA BIEL T-SHIRT? HOLLA AT SOME MERCH.

He Gu: Lindsay Lohan Va-Jay-Jay Watch

The picture below accompanies a story about an "in-your-face" College Republican getting jumped by people who may, or may not, have been liberals/jews/muslims/feminists/homosexuals/blacks.

Yikes.  Seriously.

If I was a less compassionate liberal I'd probably be pointing out the manifold ironies of an "in-your-face" College Republican getting beaten about the face by some possibly-real militant liberal shock-trooper but, seeing as how I'm a compassionate liberal, I'm just going to wonder aloud: "Where is Lindsay Lohan's 'undraped vulva' gonna strike next?"

Vigilance!!!

He Gu: Metamorphohmygod!

Can someone tell me when Rupert Everett morphed into Conan O'Brian and Stephen Colbert's love-child?

That look is straight outta Kafka.  Seriously.

He Gu: The Bonehead & The Boned

Take a look at these clips from the flash adverts, currently crashing MySpace, for the upcoming filmic desecration of all that's good and decent, Employee of the Month, starring creepy boner-fetishist Dane Cook and the dumb-as-a-dick (maybe "intellectually-disabled") Jessica Simpson:

What, "Dane Cook has a massive erection on the clock" and "Jessica Simpson sucks and swallows like a black-hole" didn't pass standards on the coconut-internet?

Forget what you've heard about the Lake of Fire, in hell Bush is president and Employee of the Month is playing on a loop.

He Gu: Idolator, WTF?

While clicking around on the internets I discovered that Gawker Media has spawned a music blog called Idolator.  And while the internets need another music blog like it needs one Perez Hilton, my primary objection to Idolator isn't the site's essential non-utility or the spotty copy-editing, it's the logo graphic:

Seriously, WTF?  It looks like MS Paint artwork inspired by Paris Hilton's misshapen vah-jay-jay.  I guess nothing says "it's about the music" better than bedazzled gash.

He Gu: Disabling Intellectuals

Oh dear...Clay Aiken is in line to be named to the President's Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities, the White House said Wednesday.

I know that serving people with disabilities is a serious issue and that the title of the committee has been changed to reflect new language regarding developmental disabilities and that these kind of Presidential Committees use celebrity reps to garner attention but comeon, the President's Committee for People with Intellectual Disabilities?  How foolish sounding.  With "celebrity" member Clay Aiken?  And just when I thought they couldn't lower standards anymore.  What's next?  Is Johnny Knoxville going to get a nod for his work on The Ringer? 

Seriously, in Bush's new America lies are truth, war is peace and Clay Aiken is a celebrity.  Ick.  I guess I should at least be thankful that Aiken wasn't tapped to run FEMA.

Maybe a little off topic, but you know how President Clinton was half-jokingly called the "first black president" because of his natural ease in communicating with the black community?  Well...

I'm just saying...I've met a lot of "special" individuals with a better grasp on logic and the English language than Bush.

He Gu: GastiNOOOOOO!!!

It's not quite the Winona Ryder clone mirage of January 2006, but it is pretty close:

Science...don't you even think about it.

He Gu: Virgin On Sale

I snapped the photo below for Jennifer while we were doing some DVD browsing at Virgin.

She would have taken the picture herself but after sampling the Paris CD on the Virgin headsets, I think she was rendered momentarily stupid by a case of ear-herpes. 

But comeon, $14.99? Move that decimal point two places to the left and you've got a price I'd consider paying...if it was half-off.

He Gu: America's Next Top Wal-Greens Clerk

America's Best Cop Model blind picks time!  I've got my theoretical money on Caridee and Megan (left, right), though For the purpose of wagers, I've got Megan.

And, judging from her front page photo, I'm also willing to put a twenty on the guess that this season is the one where Tyra admits she's a man.

And, for added participation-points, you could contribute suggestions for the America's Next Top Model Fantasy Football game.  So far, I've got the following scoring regime in place, but suggestions are encouraged; if your model:

• Admits she's a lesbian - you get two points.
• Admits she's a Republican - you lose four points.
• Cheats on her partner - you lose two points.
• Cheats of her partner with a person of the opposite sex of her partner - you get four points.
• Makes up a word and uses it as though it were part of the vernacular - you get two points (Oh, Jade, where you at?).
• Says they've been practicing to be a model "all their life"/"since they were __" - you lose two points.
• Cries about their make-over/new hair-cut - you lose two points.
• Cries on the phone - you lose one point.
• Trips on the runway - you lose three points.
• Has a janky-tooth - you get two points.
• Is told she's "fierce" by one of the judges - you get one point.
• Is told she's "just not America's Next Top Model material" by the judges - you lose one point.
• Charges another 75-pound model with anorexia/bulimia - you get one point, two if the accused model is reduced to tears, three if she calls home/her partner to cry about it.
• Is accused of anorexia/bulimia and denies it with some comical defense about just "liking to be fit" or "being naturally thin," even though she's like 75-pounds, smokes, and never eats - you lose two points.
• Wins a competition - you get three points.
• Is in the bottom two, but not cut - you lose one point.

So, whatcha got?  Who'ya got?  Show starts September 20th.

He Gu: I Bet They All Fight Over Who Gets To Ride The White Horse

Ladies and gentlemen, the new Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse:

Left to right: Absurdity, VD, Sleazy, and You-Are?.  Honestly, I've seen more humanity and intelligence in the eight-eyes of a spider.

He Gu: Say "Hello" To The AP Wire's Deformed, Chain-Bound Little Brother

Oh. My. G.

In a message posted on her MySpace.com blog on Tuesday, where she lists her "current mood" as "disappointed," the former Miss USA writes, "I can only say thank you to all those who have sent such touching letters, well wishes and prayers. I am very devastated and very much heartbroken over the demise of my marriage and for the upset of my family." (The message's authenticity was confirmed by Moakler's publicist.)

After reading that, I can only say that I am supremely thankful that MySpace wasn't around during the Clinton Administration.  The thought of Bill Clinton's MySpace blog being quoted in Time or Newsweek, or Monica Lewinski's emoticons being monitored for changes by Matt Drudge, is enough to make me want to jump out of a high window.

Other things that make me want to jump out of a high window: the TV show "Yes Dear."

Seriously, last night I watched part of "Yes Dear," and I can't think of a television program that is more un-funny than it.

He Gu: Congratulations, It's An SUV

Curse the People.com feed on my Google Homepage, always with the nonsense about sorta-celebrities breaking-up, maybe-celebrities breaking-up, non-celebrities breaking-up, and someone going into rehab or coming out of the closet; it's always the same.  Or is it? 

Today, I was treated to an exclusive: Britney's having a baby Escalade!!!  And this isn't just idle speculation, they even have a cut-away womb graphic:

Huh, a black Escalade.  Well, at least it looks healthy.  I mean, given her diet of soda and Cheetos, it's a minor miracle that her womb is so sunny, with green grass even.

One question though: When did they start calling younger siblings "rides"?

He Gu: Finally, A Chance To Really Suffer From Heat Exhaustion

Yeah, so Lindsay Lohan wants to go to Iraq to "entertain" the troops; to that I say: good for her.  Although, after reading the article, I get the sense that she may not actually understand the kind of danger that has kept her from going on a previous trip with Hillary Clinton:

Even without Sen. Clinton, Lohan is confident she can handle an Iraq trip on her own. "I'm not afraid of going," she says. "My security guard is going to take me to a gun range when I get back to L.A., and I'm going to start taking shooting lessons."

"Shooting lessons"?  F'reals?!  Um, someone might want to actually read the news to her and explain that Iraq isn't dangerous because of all the home-invasions and muggings, it's more the indiscriminate killings, kidnappings, and car-bombings:

Gunmen stormed a bank in northern Baghdad's Raghiba Khaton neighborhood, killing five people and stealing about $5,000 before fleeing, an emergency police official said.

Elsewhere in the capital, a pair of roadside bombs exploded in the Arabi market Tuesday morning, killing at least 10 people and wounding 69 others, according to police.

Earlier Tuesday, three roadside bombs exploded in central Baghdad's Nahdha district, killing nine people and wounding eight others, including three police.

Seriously, someone, draw the girl a picture.

He Gu: The Truth Is Out There

Now Penelope Cruz says she's seen The Ring the "baby."  I'm beginning to think that Suri Cruise is the new Mothman.

Seriously, this poor kid, born into a crazy sham-relationship and talked about like it's some kind of UFO.

He Gu: The Year Of Living Dangerously Herpes-Free

I don't know if anyone else managed to take their eyes off the unfolding disaster in Afghaniraqenonsreal long enough to notice this headline:  Paris Hilton Swears Off Sex for a Year.

The article includes this fantastic line, from Miss Hilton:

"People think I sleep with everyone, but I'm not like that," the Simple Life star and hotel heiress declares to British GQ magazine for its September issue "Kissing is all I do."

No no, Paris, people don't think you sleep with everyone, people download the video of you sleeping with everyone.  Or they see you flashing your lady-junk every time you step out of a car or get within twenty feet of a DJ booth and a fog machine.

But maybe she's hedging her bets, relying on the fact that her promise—to abstain from sex for a year—is pretty hard to verify; or is it?  I suggest that we measure her progress by watching the numbers of new herpes cases nationwide.  No statistically-significant increase, she gets a medal. 

A really icky medal.

Hung Erect O My!

These new Snickers bus wraps are Mind Blowning!

Due credit: Jennifer spotted "Hung Erect," I caught the "O My."  That's a metaphor for something, I'm sure.

He Gu: Extreme Drunk Dialing

Marlon Brando Gill, 24, is charged with first-degree assault in the December incident involving 25-year-old Melinda Abell. Abell has given inconsistent accounts of what happened before she was taken to a hospital, where an emergency room doctor removed the phone.

She testified Tuesday on the first day of Gill's trial that she couldn't remember how the phone got in her throat, saying she had too much to drink that night.

Shit, just how drunk do you need to be to A) not remember swallowing a cell phone or B) not remember having a cell phone shoved down your throat? Ballpark figure:  Twelve beers?  30?  Personally, I suspect Jameson.

He Gu: Release Me

Can someone please explain to me what kind of world we are living in where Nicole Richie is going to follow in the footsteps of Paris Hilton, and release a CD, but Shellac ain't had a new record out in something like six years?  Double-you, tee, eff, question-mark.

From Ms. Richie's comments about what the record might include:

"The songs are about what's going on in my life, growing up and becoming a woman. They are about realizing what's great and what's so wonderful about life and being on this earth and living the way that I live."

Oh great.  Not a single part of that sentence doesn't make me want to go deaf.  Seriously, who keeps green-lighting these aural Pandora's boxes?!

He Gu: Are You "Ranchture Ready"?

To better serve those readers with little interest in my ramblings about veganism, bike-riders, embryonic stem cells, or all the other nonsense I write about, I've included a link in the "Further Reading" section of the sidebar to the He Gu posts that appear periodically.  While the new posts will seldom shine as brightly as the original He Gu! did, they should tide you over until The Ranchture, when the Ranch Toof appears on Earth to escort his chosen people to that big Wendy's in the sky.

Artist's Conception of "The Ranchture".

He Gu: Can't She Be Both?!

Overheard at The Beachwood: "She's not fat, she's deliberate."

Here's the Venn Diagram I sketched in my head:

By the way, I'm pretty sure that if you bred Nicole Richie and Tom Cruise, Cthulhu is what you'd get.  And, if you bred Cthulhu with Three-Armed Jessica Alba, you've got a 50/50 chance that you'll get Condi Rice; it's called genetics people, learn it!

And yes, for the purposes of my Venn Diagram, I took "deliberate" to mean "kinda nuts."

MIND BLOWNED!!!

He Gu: Before You Die, You See The Ring

Since she was born on April 18, little Suri Cruise has managed to keep a low profile. In fact, at 3 months old, the daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes still has not been seen in public.

But at least one famous friend has gotten to meet her: King of Queens star and Cruise pal Leah Remini, who saw Suri at the couple's L.A. home recently.

"She's a beaming baby," Remini tells PEOPLE in its new issue. "She looks like Tom and Katie. She's just beautiful."

So wait, Leah Remini has seen Suri Cruise?!  With her own eyes?!

I don't know, if it's not a lie, it sounds to me like she's got a week to live.

She should look on the bright side, King of Queens sucked anyway.

He Gu: Off The Deep End

Sure, telemarketers can be annoying, but that's why sensible people have cell phones or—at the very least—why sensible people have just learned to answer the phone with "No, no thanks; please take me off your call list" when it rings in the middle of Hell's Kitchen.

This crazy woman, she's got a slightly different approach.

He Gu!

He Gu: Pandalina Jolie?

Maybe I missed some big news, but Yahoo! News Photos is blowning my mind:

The good news is, if Pandalina Jolie can successfully breed with the arguably-human Brad Pitt, then perhaps Three-Armed Jessica Alba isn't destined to die alone after all.

He Gu: Believe The Hype

Not even a massive, month-long computer bust-up—reformatting your hard-drive thrice daily is the new spy-ware blocker—and a five-day-trip to internets-less Milwaukee for the 3rd of July could stop me from posting a link to this much-hyped "vlog."

And, for those keeping track of the new slang, "vlog" shall hence forth be accepted as the onomatopoeia associated with jomiting.

Honestly, this is what Funny Cats could have been...if the cats weren't so cute.

He Gu: Childhood Memories Doing Slightly Better

Jennifer posted this link on West Wash earlier this week, ever since, I've been periodically revisiting it to remind myself that there is a possibility that my childhood might not be entirely busted by Hollywood remakes.  Yeah, it's not from the movie, but it looks good.

Then again, Optimus Prime as a blue and white-cab semi?  What's next, Bumblebee as a red Volkswagon Jetta? Sheeeh heesh peeps.

He Gu! Yahoo! For T&A!

Google has Zeitgeist; Yahoo!, well, it has its "Most E-Mailed Photos" Slideshow:

He Gu, Yahoo!.  And just when I was starting to think you--howdoyousay--"lacked courage."

He Gu: Sure You Are

People magazine offers a synopsis of Britney Spears' interview with Matt Lauer.

Now that's accuracy in reporting.

He Gu: I Think You're Crazy

Want to know how you can tell if you're enjoying a performance?  You totally look like these two girls:

You can see them do their "You crazy/No, you crazy" point-and-giggle routine in the middle of the Gnarls Barkley performance of "Crazy" from the MTV Movie Awards.

But f'reals, I've had that song stuck in my head ever since it leaked and never ever gets old.

He Gu: The Mating Game

It's probably a combination of all the Extra-Access-Hollywood-Tonight coverage of the Brangelina genetic-supergroup-cum-infant-savior and the news-reports about babies being born on 6-6-06, but I've starting thinking about other hypothetically awesome/apocalyptic breeding partners. I've also taken to ranking the offspring of my hypothetical pairs on a scale of Cruise-Holmes to Pitt-Jolie, "Cruise-Holmes" being some kind of mutant-alien Anti-Chirst and "Pitt-Jolie" being a blindingly-attractive savior.  Here's a short list:

• Jessica Simpson and Larry the Cable Guy: as scary as Cruise-Holmes, but way uglier
• Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony: somewhere between Cruise-Holmes and Spears-Federline
  
• Natalie Portman and Jake Gyllenhaal: Pitt-Jolie-ish

There was one terrifying exception which defied the parameters of my humble ranking system; Paris Hilton and Bill O'Reilly: Ann Coulter.

In somewhat sadder breeding news, it appears that the three-armed baby has been dis-armed by doctors, reduced to a normal two-armer; I'd hate to be the one that has to tell three-armed Jessica Alba about this.

He. Gu.

He Gu: Waiting For Michael Jackson

Maybe it's horrible of me to say so, but Dateline NBC's "To Catch a Predator" might be the funniest thing I've seen all week; though, it's probably fairly easy to beat Frontline's "Age of AIDS" in a race for laughs.  What's so funny about it?  Well, for one, there's the voice-overs that accompany the on-screen text of the chats between the pedophile and the bait.  There's just something so very post-modern about seeing "LOL" on the TV screen and hearing a giggle; I'm not even going to mention the weirdly passionate tone of the female voice-talent.

Also funny: the lengths to which the host, Dateline's Chris Hansen, will go to feed his ego.  Not only is the interviewing table raised to bar-height (so when the pervert is asked to take a seat, he has no choice but to slump down awkwardly, his legs dangling flaccidly above the floor, while Chris Hansen stands opposite him, clearly savoring the moment for all its cop-show ethos) but Chris Hanson introduces himself to each and every catch.  While such introductions clearly make sense in the context of the individual sting operations, the repetitive introductions don't make sense in the context of what is essentially a clip show.  It's just totally bizarre...and that's without taking into account the guys he's forever introducing himself to.

From now on, every time I walk into the apartment I'm going to announce myself as "MBIMOTMOG's Aaron Kraus."

UPDATE:  Apparently Stereogum is onto the unitentional comedy that is "Dateline's TCAP." If you've never seen Dateline's Chris Hansen, in the role he probably flunked out of the police academy to play, YouTube seems to have a pretty extensive library of Hansen playing both Good Cop and Bad Cop.

He Gu: Motley Crue vs. Aerosmith

Today's commute—and by that, I mean the commute to Jennifer's work; suckers, I work from whererrr the wi-fi is—featured Motley Crue's "Girls, Girls, Girls."  While I actually enjoy the song for adapting the service-minded simplicity of a Rick Steves travel guide and applying that ethic to writing a song about "scoring tail," I never fully appreciated just how un-metal that song is.  Even by eighties hair-metal standards.  But just how un-metal is Motley Crue?  I suggested that the witless banter between Tommy Lee and Vince, which is incorporated into the "Gs, Gs, Gs" in lieu of actual rocking, placed "The Crue" well below Aerosmith, somewhere just north of Nelson on the map of rock.

Jennifer scoffed, which may or may not have been a scoff of agreement.

In other news, I just asked Kittin "who is the chunkiest chunky monkey?"  I'm unsure how to interpret her whorishly-purred "meow" followed as it was by her demurely rolling onto her side.